The Damned

What is it with the phrase “smoking hot wife” right now in protestant Christianity? Is this a fad I’ve missed out on since I’m:

1.  Single?
2. Atheist?

There are too many Christianese clichés to count, but this particular one catches me off-guard because it makes me picture two people rumpling the foreskin after church.

We get it folks; you want to show off how badass-naughty Christians can be. Obviously secular culture is just dirty and sinful in its sexuality and doesn’t have the firey burning love machine you have in your bed. Your smokin’ hot brides are giving you the best Jesus-blessing sex of your lives, right? Way to tease the singles though. Are you about to go home and get it on? Thanks for telling us about it. Jesus loves watching you make whoopie next to that cross on your wall.

Want to read a fabulous list of current Christian cliches even the believers hate? Check this out (and don’t miss the comments!). Here are some of my favorites:

love on, as in, “Let’s just love on these precious kids.”

Uhm… hi there.

just. This is a mild but pervasive example that peppers many prayers and is intended, I suppose, to express humility.

Christ-follower. A problematic trend in recent years is calling oneself this rather than a Christian. I understand the embarrassment the label Christian can cause when it aligns one with others who are not as smart, savvy, or theologically and politically progressive as oneself. (Yes, that was sarcasm, another language altogether).

Let us pray. “Dear Father God, we just come before you as Christ-followers. Just bless us today and just shower us with your cleansing rain and just forge us holy fire today, God. Oh Father God we just ask that your holy spirit just fills us up with your smokin’ hot love.”

Yeah, that probably happened at church yesterday.

Here’s one of the best prayers ever that uses a few of my favourite crazy Christianese phrases:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Thank you for giving me a stomach ache of joy, NASCAR. Oh, and Jesus. And this guy’s smokin’ hot wife. And Talladega Nights. Buggity boogity boogity, AMEN!

Let us know what you think in the comments!

photo by Joe McCarthy

When you meet someone new or are just enjoying discussions with other people, are you ever surprised when you find out they don’t share your views? I keep having this experience! Tonight while at dinner with a group of women, one of them mentioned her pre-teen son being baptized at their church since he just “got saved” and how excited she was. During her story, I kept expecting a punchline—as if she would suddenly laugh and tell a story about going skinny dipping in the baptism dunk tanks. But no, she was totally serious, and nothing’s wrong with that.

It made me wonder: Do we assume the people with whom we get along are going to think the same ways we do? I think I do! For instance, I’m skeptical about the paranormal; I do not believe ghosts exist. A friend of mine gabs constantly about ghost hunting and the supernatural, and all the while  I laugh and think she must be joking because, hell, who honestly believes in ghosts? Well, she does. Why am I so surprised? Is it my ego?

I remember feeling this way as a Christian as well; If I met someone who wasn’t a believer, it was like a trip into a different world. They were strange, foreign, and mysterious. How could they not believe in Jesus? Of course, Christianity is so popular that it’s sometimes difficult to find people who openly identify with something else—at least in my area. So why am I walking through life as part of the atheist minority assuming everyone else thinks Satan is silly and God is a figment of our imaginations? I have no idea! I guess I think I’m normal!